Umbilical Child

Wading through life

2006-08-01T11:14:00.000+08:00

This thread is an attempt to look at the life long consequences of adoption. I was living under a very naive misconception that as you got older and perhaps wiser life as an adoptee would just fall into some peaceful place of understanding and acceptance….WRONG….Just as it probably is for non adopted people life is full of challenges, things just seem to spring up and grab your attention at the most inappropriate times and also at times you should have been able to predict but did’nt. Well my story, as some of you know, started 38 years ago when I was put up for adoption in Northern England…The usual few months in foster care then placed with a good loving family. I say that they are and always have been loving because the times I have felt otherwise were times I was struggling, adolescence etc. So no complaints there other than their old fashioned conservitiveness that makes it difficult to delve deep into emotion, adoption or any other subject it is all the same, so not too much expression there.Now long story growing up so I will gloss over that. The main influencing factor which bears alot of weight today is that when I was a young child we immigrated to Australia. Now in all honesty it has probably allowed me many more positive opportunities than if I had remained in Northern England…so again can’t compain about that…There is however a huge downside to it being that I did find my natural mum 15 years ago in a trip to england specifically for that purpose..another long story so again I shall gloss over…Now our geographical distance makes life challenging as I would really love to get to know her and my half siblings a lot better. We keep in touch and have great conversations but it just isn’t the same. I have also recently contacted my natural father and same issues of distance there..Back to the life thing now..I can see patterns emerging with significant events in life that throw that whole adoption thing in my face. Birthdays whilst growing up…getting married, my wifes first pregnancy and my little girls birth…watching my daughter grow…seeing my natural mum in my daughter, that is a little wierd at times and it catches me unawares…my wifes second/current pregnancy…all sorts of things…now it is hard for others to understand my emotions and emotional state..I am pretty open with my close friends about my adoption and quite often I will wear my heart on my sleeve. Some of them are really good at listening and understanding, some don’t have a clue and offer comments that are not helpful but they are my friends and I let it go.Recently I hit rock bottom..I don’t think a lot of people know that, my wife does and she has been pretty good about it…I was obsessed with finding my natural father and spent months doing so…When I found him it was ok.. I didnt really have expectations and the response has been good but then I kind of just went into this complicated head space about my identity again..nothing specific , nothing to really pinpoint just a depression that came thick and fast…well it has probably always been there..I was having panic attacks over stupid things and feeling no sense of self worth whatsoever. I was, and still do a little, drinking every night and smoking way too many cigarrettes. My wife could see it and told me I should get some help. I went to a couple of councellors but they offered advice such as “I need to forgive my Birth Mother” and “I must be dissapointed in who I have found” sorry but that is buls%*t. It is a deeper thing that I really don’t think can be found. I am being treated for depression and from what I have recently discovered is that is not uncommon amongst us lost or incomplete souls. The one thing I think that keeps me sane is family. You see I have 4 families..I have only just realised this..I have the family I grew up with to which I am close…I have my natural mums family to which I am growing to know better…I have my natural fathers family, still a mystery but one to explore…and I have MY family, the one who keeps me sane, the unconditional love, the life force in me. My wife and child and soon to arrive baby. My true family. So i guess I do have a place where I belong, a sense of identity and a grounding to some degree……but those life long consequences do jump up and bite from time to time..and the head and heart feel like they can only take so much..I think it is just something to try and get used to and perhaps I need to find the ability to pat those sleeping dogs when they won’t lie.

Tumble weeds

2006-07-25T11:20:00.000+08:00

Tumble Weeds………tumbling because of the fact our roots were severed along with our umbilical chords…and weeds, well that is self explanatory..We find ourselves detached from any family tree… the child at school with a blank look on his/her face when it is time to do the “family tree”…that blank look is one I am constantly wearing..not because I don’t know my where my roots should be planted but rather the fact that it was a forest I discovered when I tumbled back to the loamy soil of my origin…..the multitude of vines, flowers and thorns spawned from cross pollination and grafting….trees with so many intertwined branches that to follow and get to know the path of just one of them seems an impossible task. ….. Apparently there is another weed out there tumbling along from my patch..Wonder if we will ever cross paths..The other issue with being a windblown weed is that we are tinder dry, one spark and we could just get enveloped in flames. Don’t want to be in the forest if that happens. Sometimes it is just easier and safer to remain tumbling along.

2006-07-25T11:11:00.000+08:00

GRUBBY LITTLE SECRET

I was a grubby little secret in my mother's mother's eyes
a grubby little secret, one for to be despised
a grubby little secret whisked far and wide away
a grubby little secret not to see the light of day

but after years of tears and hiding the secret rose to truth
this factual incarnation now standing beneath her roof

her sombre gaze met mine and I smiled and said hello
she just sat there dumbfounded, no emotion to let go

twas not til later, much later, after her passing that I was informed
that this quiet cold old lady held scorn for the day I was born

well here I am in reunion my sadness compounds distressmy poor mother had no say in this, as an infant I had much less.......

copyright Umbilical child 2006

Umbilical Child: Umbilical Child

2006-02-28T14:53:00.000+08:00

Umbilical Child: Umbilical Child

Some rambling thoughts.....

Highs and lows, well where to start…The highs and lows continue on and on and on….I reunited with my natural mum 15 years ago…..the high was finding her…the low was dealing with finding her…the high was meeting siblings, 6 of them…the low was why me not them?….the high was and is keeping in touch…the low is the distance, she is in the UK and I am in Australia….The high was her coming to visit for 2 weeks a couple of years ago…the low was that uncomfortable distance we had to keep because we don’t know how to connect……The high is having my own daughter now, and another one on the way, seeing and feeling and touching and loving someone daily who has the same blood,genes etc…The low is dealing with how my natural mum must have felt having to give that away……The high is finding my natural father…the low is we don’t know what to say to each other as he never knew about me…..The high is having a loving understanding wife….the low is the baggage she has to deal with that I carry around….the high is being alive and having a great life with so many more opportunities than I could have had if I wasn’t given up…..the low is the lost oppertunities I may have had….confusion, lack of empathy from those who havent been there, lack of self esteem……feeling wiser for the experience, closer to my little girl and some kind of identity…Reunion is worthwhile but it throws up all sorts of new questions..what if’s..and answers a few things as well…..just rambling here, but I guess thats what life feels like. J.

Umbilical Child

2006-02-24T13:17:00.000+08:00

Hi everyone, this is the begining of what I imagine to be a journey into the never ending issues of adoption. Don't quite understand the blog thing but I am sure I will get there......